


Fuck Today

by tricksterdickrider



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crying, Feels, M/M, Mentioned John, Reminiscing, Sadstuck, Self Harm, au where Jake left dirk, mentioned Jake, mentioned dad, mentioned jane - Freeform, mentioned roxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 14:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3294176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricksterdickrider/pseuds/tricksterdickrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically Jake left Dirk and he's trying to get his shit together.</p><p>he can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck Today

**Author's Note:**

> okay I edited this myself in like 3 seconds soooo tell me if I missed anything

You're Dirk Strider, sitting at the table after yet another long and sleepless night. It seems like an eternity has past since he left, but fuck, its only been 2 weeks. 

You rub your eyes and wish you could speak to him.. To apologise for fucking up.. To just see his beautiful jade eyes and goofy grin as you crack a joke or hand him a cup of tea. 

You think of what you would say.. What would you say?

"I may not be much to look at, I'm intense and quite awkward.. I have a lot of goddamn baggage and I may expect a lot of you...." You say aloud, and your eyes start to burn.

"But I'll love you with everything I have, I'll give you everything I am. I'll love you even if you don't always treat me right or if you want to take a break... I'd probably even love you if you broke my nose... again" You chuckle, eyes brimming with tears, and the most pathetic of smiles. 

"And I promise I'll try my best to be good enough for you.. I'd do anything for you... You just say the word.   
And that may be intimidating... In fact, I know it is... But it's the truth.   
I /fucking love/ you.   
I'll always love you.." You choke the words past the lump in your throat that inhibits your breath as you slam your fist on the table, rattling the vase you assume he forgot in his haste. 

You reach across the table to hold it, staring at it as if it will give you some sort of answer, some sort of cure for your pain.

"I wish that everything I am and could give to you was good enough.... But you do deserve better.." You finally crack at those words, knowing that that's the truth. 

Knowing that as much as it fucking hurts, and oh god it does, that he's better off without you..

But you can't stop yourself from sobbing and thinking of the nights you spent together.. The time that was spent between strifing and making love. With guns or lips pressed to your jaw, and how either way the adrenaline was intoxicating. 

How his eyes sparkled every time you woke up together, and his buck teeth dragging against his vaguely bruised lip when he was caught watching you sleep. 

You can't help your mind from wandering to how despite his inexperience he was able to touch that sweet spot inside you that created universes behind your eyelids in bright, white flashes of too much and not enough and oh god, please more!  
He was so eager, but you're sure it was so amazing purely for the reason that it was him. The man you loved. 

Love.

... How afterwards he would fucking smile at you and he press a little kiss to your lips that felt so much more personal and intimate than everything else you had done.

Sobs wrack your body as you think of grabbing your sword for some sort of relief.. Then remember how his face fell when he saw the long lines of scarlet that littered your pale skin. 

He held you tightly that night, lamenting in your despair, and crying into your shoulder as you try to assure him that you won't do it again... As long as you have him. 

Fuck.

You don't have him. 

You no longer have a reason to stop these self destructive behaviours, to keep you going, oh god how he kept you fucking going. 

It feels like you're swallowing broken glass with every jagged breath. You try to get a grip before you fuck something else up... Not like it would matter. 

Roxy and Jane try to tell you that you're better off without him. They say you were made much too codependent on Jake and that you need to learn to self soothe.

"You can't rely on other people for your happiness and self worth." You mock aloud, rolling your bloodshot and stinging eyes. 

It's easy for them to say, you think, they're fucking in love. they don't know the agonising loss of the only person who put up with your shit and bro-puns.... Who you loved with every FUCKING ounce of your shitty little being.

Your world is breaking apart.. It tries to reform, but the shaking won't stop. The loss is indescribable. You wail in mourning, needing him back like you needed air to breathe. 

You decide on a smaller blade, one that you confiscated from Janes younger brother. You think it may have belonged to his father. 

You draw long deliberate lines down your arm and you begin to breathe easily for the first time in weeks. The numb starts to engulf you. 

You set down the blade and a few new tears stream down your face. 'What could I possibly be without him?... He was my reason... He was my motivation..'

"Fuck today" You say like you have everyday since he left as you walk back towards your room and lay down in your bed. 

You pull the blankets over your head and curse yourself for letting him take over your life like this.


End file.
